Today is one of those days where I want to climb back under the covers and not come out. Coffee's on board, but not working. Frankly, the only alert one in the family right now is the dog......he's on "bird feeder" and "dropped food" duty. The boys are (said with love) space cadets today as well, so the dog is really attentive to their forgotten plates on the table. Too bad he's so short, he can only pop up and down like he's riding a pogo stick. Must be very sad to only get glimpses of the food you can't reach. At least he can impact the birds, to a small degree, as they just come back when he's not looking. 

I think it's from all the wet carpet we all seem congested and achy. Either that, or we're fighting a cold. But the Scorcers Apprentice scenario really did bring out a lot of mold, so no one feels at their tippy top best right now. Forget school work, I've already been informed they are "too sick" to do work. Considering how they are laying like limp washcloths, I believe them. 

I know what will work for me: throw open those blinds, and clean the remaining mold off the walls. Get the place (now that's it dry AGAIN) back to normal, and then face a new day tomorrow. The boys? Well, give them some more allergy medicine, and keep them hydrated. They'll get baths and all that good stuff, which should help clear the achy-ness. 

Older boy is desperate to play a game of chess.....I used to enjoy playing it with him, but now I lose all the time. That one should lose repeatedly to a 9 year old. Hey? Can that count as "school"? Nah....but they can catch up on the weekend. 

Aramis actually went to bed early last night, after worrying about everything under the sun. "Are we going to starve?" No, the house is full of food. "Is someone going to kill us?" No.....we're safe. "Are you going to die?" No......not today. (Don't go would last all night if I even mentioned that someday I'll die.) "How old can people live?" My grandmother was 103. "But what about THEM"? Well, they are to stay in the said so. "Where's my Foo Foo? (his stuffed animal).....oh good, I thought THEY got his eyeballs. He still has two." let's go to sleep. "But I'm afraid". Well, you won't be after you go to sleep. "Will you holded me?" Yeup, as it seems to keep THEM in the corner. He was asleep in a few minutes, and then spent all night stealing the blankets. I got punched once, woah, that's a new one, will definitely have to watch for that in the future. 

I swear, if I didn't have to be on Mommy duty today, I'd climb back into bed and not come out until an hour before everyone is due home. Even my head feels achy.....but alas.....someone has to be responsible. Any volunteers from the land of the inside? Nope? Looks like it's me then. 

Which has me thinking: there are threads a mile long at several DID forums about tiredness.... whether it comes from the DID or the medications, or both? Doctors and psychiatrist will tell you it comes from both, but to never underestimate the amount of tiredness that results from just functioning within the realms of DID. Great.....guess it's better than hypo-mania. Too many DID'ers have to deal with tiredness for it not to be a legitimate component of the disorder. I can usually get myself up and going, but not happening today. 

I've had these occasions before, and I'll be the first to chant the "self care is important" theme song for DID....but to actually follow through is a completely different reality. Obviously my system wants to rest, and I feel guilty if I do so. Guilt.....another component that appears to be a constant thread running through DID. "If I'm not perfect, then I'm bad, and I should feel guilty that I'm bad, because I'm not perfect." That makes no sense whatsoever, other than it's an old message from a really messed up place that existed a long time ago. 

And there's the kicker: that many of the self sabotaging thought processes are in reality messages we received a long time ago. We heard them so often, that they became a part of our belief systems, our very foundation of standards, codes and values. It must be acknowledged that for many of us, our family of origin had a lot more time ingraining these beliefs into our psyches than we have had time to detach from such a twisted sense of reality. 

So, there's my thought for the day: give it time. And if that means crawling back under the covers, then so be it. Tomorrow is a new day, and it's just waiting to be embraced. 

For me, I'll tidy the house, kill some mold, take care of the kids, and then find that comforter. Oh.....can't forget to lose again at Chess.....but after these relatively easy things are taken care of, tomorrow can be as productive and active as I want it to be. 

For now: I'm outvoted, since the majority in the system know quite well where the comforter is. 

Have a good day everyone......and of course: remember to take care of yourselves. 


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    Shelly Dowen-Johnson

    I am currently traveling with my husband across the United States, due to the nature of the work he does. 

    I am the mother of two boys, one who has recently been diagnosed with Early Onset Childhood Schizophrenia (Schizoaffective Disorder). 

    It appears the Dowen family gene sequencing contributes much more than the darling dimples both boys have inherited!  But, as always, with love, tender care and support....we will thrive! 


    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012