Arrived at the pdocs office, in less than perfect shape....really, don't change the medications around! Met the grumpy lady at the desk, who was grumpier than usual, and as I was switching like mad, she was very fortunate that I contained myself. Good lawd woman! You work at a psychiatrist's office....don't you know that most of these people just may lose it on you with that attitude? Fortunately for her, I was switching constantly, and someone had just spoke to me in Spanish, so I could only respond in Spanish....which she wouldn't understand. Hence, smile and silence......I don't need to deal with her, I only need to check in.
Pdoc "fixed" the medication, long story short: apologized and we both realized that somehow I forgot to tell him that I don't react to medications very well. (I could have sworn that I told him, I usually do, but perhaps he didn't take it seriously.) Too many have been "tried" on me, and each hit me like a brick wall, so to change them has to be gradual. VERY gradual......and don't lower the Citalopram, I'll be at the hospital. Again, his apologies......but got it all fixed. This is the same pdoc who says I'm very lucid, very together......well, I wasn't yesterday, and that was after being back on the "right amount" for two or three days. Even he was shocked at the difference, but at least he has his thoughts together and all the records and prescriptions are set right now. Apparently he wrote down his goals of where he wanted my medications to be at, and somehow that ended up being the prescriptions. His notes are corrected, the prescriptions are corrected, and he did spend an appropriate amount of time talking with me to find out just what needs to be addressed.
Both he and his psych nurse said what a strong person I am to get through this, sorry, etc.......strong person? I don't know....I just replied that this has been my dx for almost 20 years, you just start to figure things out: when to get to the pdoc right away, when things aren't right, how to fake it through switching, how to ground yourself to get through the flashbacks, even if that means every 15 minutes.....but somehow, you just learn to live with it. No....they said I'm strong, and very wise.....well, whatever you want to call it. Main point? I'm not here because I really, really like visiting with you both, I'm here because the medications cannot be changed to such an extreme.
So, ended up with a migraine by the time we arrived back home. Of course, had to stop at the pharmacy to clarify things with them too.....they blocked Aramis' medication as he was too young by the standards for Seroquel and required an over-ride. Got that taken care of.......geesh, I'm still an advocate....thought I retired!
Pdoc ended up putting me on an anti-psychotic....which I've been fighting since I went to the hospital. I had to ask myself: "Why?" It is that in accepting the prescription, I am now admitting that I have mental issues, not "just" a disorder? I didn't realize I thought this way. I could justify it all, by claiming that I'm just leery of new medications (which is true), but the reality is that as soon as the first, second and third pdoc said "anti-psychotic", all I heard was "psychosis". No way.....not me. I don't have THAT.
Really? What a closed minded attitude to have. Especially, since I'm not keen on labels anyway. I'm still "me"......but over and over the pdocs are seeing indicators that this medication is necessary. Not one, but almost every one I've seen. I still refuse....and now have to ask myself "why?"
It's the label.....and yes, it bothered me to realize that my son had such a heavy diagnosis, and to hear the term "psychosis". I've adjusted to that now.....but to hear it in conjunction with myself? Ouch.........does that mean I'm like my mom?
No.....and I know better. Or at least I thought I did. I also thought if I went to the hospital it meant I was "insane", which was wrong as well. Geesh, for all the papers I've written regarding labels and destigmatizing mental illness, I am very guilty of the same thing. Certainly requires a bit of a mind adjustment on my part.
So, I'll try the anti-psychotic, and give it time. Perhaps it really will help, but only if I try will I know. It's the time component, and, as I've realized, that often once you feel a bit better, it's easy to think that you don't need it. Often, there are side effects, so it's very common to think: "hey, I'm fine, and why put up with the side effects?"
I'm not switching so much today, which was a real problem yesterday. But finally had my first real night of sleep since all this medication drama started.....and for that I'm grateful. The pdoc said the anti-psychotic would work almost immediately in that regard. Give it a bit to help stabilize the switching. Okay......we'll see.
Tried so very hard to work on my second book over the last few days, but just couldn't get settled and find clarity. Literally, I was overwhelmed by the organization required to put so much information into a logical format. Words are flying around my head, loads of thoughts and ideas, and still: just confusion.
But, let's focus on the good news: the pdoc now has a huge memo that says to not mess with my medication, I've finally agreed to an anti-psychotic, and Aramis is doing much, much better.
That's about it in my corner of the world....
Hope everyone is finding a bit o'peace in their day......
Sending positive support to everyone......