Okay, so I slept in uber-late and played with the boys this morning as they woke. I also went to bed uber-early.........which was uber-perfect on both ends!

The boys, Dad included were playing Skyrim until late last night........oh so boring by my thoughts, thus the perfect opportunity to give everyone inside a break.

Some of them have been arguing, so a nice long rest should do the trick. The heat and humidity really began to hit strong, hence the puppy and I laid under the cool ceiling fan, found a nice cotton sheet, and slowly drifted off into never-land.

It's hot as can be already today, but perfect by my standards here in TX. I've got my coffee, what's left of a pack of cigs, and so far a breeze. The birds are chirping like mad....oh, they're out of food, well, they can wait until the refill cuppa. The cardinals, chickadees, red and yellow finches, sparrows, doves, starlings and squirrels are literally lined up and waiting. 'taint they sweet.........and can wait. Perhaps they'll pick up the seeds they dropped down below.

I thought I'd share this image (above) that someone sent me via FB.

The image and its statement just hit me in a nice way, as this is just a wee bit of what the insiders are arguing about of late. Odd, the disconnect, between their upset and my own emotions. It's always been this way though, with slight improvements over the years.

To share and what not to share? THAT's what they are arguing about. Strange.....I would have thought talking about DID would have upset them more, but no, it's anything related to the Kingdom Hall. Why that subject? Well, we're working it out, with a lot of interesting comments. At least we're at the point of everyone talking......beats fighting any day.

It also came out that one of the insiders is mad at someone on the outside....gee, I didn't know. But now much more makes sense. I really find the disconnect with the variances of viewpoints a bit disconcerting at times. I mean: I'm here too........just didn't "see" the same scenario or situation from their perspective.

Reminds me of my oldest boy. He can look at something, and see the entire picture. Sometimes he struggles, but until he can understand the entire image or concept, from every angle, he's not happy. Once he can, oh! what a delightful person he becomes. He's like his father in that regard: both lack any concept of music, can't find a beat if it hit them on the head, but they can "see" a subject or image from all sides. Dante has more clarity than his father, perhaps that's life choices, or his age, I don't know. But even his father can grasp all the components of a blueprint, where I simply "see" the completed project as a one dimensional image. "It's a tree, made out of concrete, and appears real." No, not from husband's perspective.......he can comprehend all the layers involved, the inner structure, what is required to support and balance the creation, and can tell you exactly how much concrete was used, versus discarded. He can frame something, and have it to exact specifications, which even in his field is difficult to do......to the millimeter, he can comprehend what variances must be allowed for, and what cannot be changed. Real life? Ahhhh, now that's the challenge for both of them. Hand Dante a three dimensional image, and he can draw all three sides, sometimes without even "seeing" what's hidden behind. But people? They both struggle with the complexity of communication, and all the variances of the human spirit.

And yet, in a way: DID presents the same challenges to me (I don't know about others). I can "see", to a degree, that there is a problem. BUT, it takes quite a while before I can recognize how deep the problem delves, or the variances in viewpoints. You would think, logically, that the insiders are all a part of the system, so hence: we would each view the world or a subject the same way. Nope, the concepts are as varied inside as they are on the outside. It's my perspective that tends to be single focused most of the time, and to my chagrin: often challenged by the perspectives of those on the inside.

I can "grasp" music, I can hear all the instruments involved, hear the various harmonies being sung, and can grab the beat, the call to the emotional center within each of us as humans. I can also, typically look at someone, and "see" all that is typically hidden away. I may not know what it is, but I recognize that it does exist, and is present. The intangible "something"  hidden behind someone's smile, or simply the look in their eyes. The non-verbal communication that comes from the body. And yet......

I cannot comprehend how my insiders will react, nor the way they may see the same situation or individual. They each have their strengths, and alas, their weaknesses, as we all do. But, one would think that I, out of anyone, would be able to comprehend how they would feel about various life issues. Nope.....they hold secrets that are as hidden from me as the average person I meet on the street.

Sometimes, I believe I am blinded even more so.....by the myth that as a part of "my" system, I should naturally just "know" what they think, or how they feel. That's a fallacy, a pitfall I've discovered more than once. Perhaps the most frustrating thing of all is that, at times, they know me better than I know myself. Things I choose not to see, or choose not to address, they clearly recognize and have strong viewpoints regarding. "Know thyself" is far more complicated than I often give credit to.....and to discover that I've missed critical aspects to an issue (that they have not) is humbling.

Aye....but at least there does exist communication. What a beautiful thing, and for that I'm appreciative. It's uncomfortable at times, and often contains messages that I would rather not hear, and yet: is that not the very risk inherent with communication? To communicate effectively with anyone requires actively listening.....not just hearing the words or message, but listening to what is being said. To absorb the entire concept, and to process it completely before responding. That is the difference between "listening" or simply "hearing".

So, my system is not as smooth running as I would wish it to be, and I must admit that I am particularly to blame for not truly listening to what is being said. And now that I've stopped and heard, it's important for me to process the variances of viewpoints. I hear their complaints about not being recognized, about their feelings not being validated......and as a consequence, I feel the natural reaction to scream back:"What about MY thoughts, desires and feelings?" Here we are: at the very crossroads of working in a DID state. No where else is a balance so critical, the validation of each portion so important, and cooperation so desperately required.

We shall find it......as we have again and again over the years. We have come a long way from the mumbling's and ghost-like sounds in the beginning.......and just as we have progressed in that area, we shall continue to progress. Today, I need to appreciate that as often times humans do, I have blinded myself to several important issues in my life. But, unlike most humans, my eyes have been opened to these concepts by a collection of insiders who shall not be silenced.

It's time for me to process this information, and learn from it.

And perhaps a bit more gratitude for the way my state of mind functions......in that, just as my insiders have protected me over the years, they are still doing so today.

Have a good day everyone.......


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    Shelly Dowen-Johnson

    I am currently traveling with my husband across the United States, due to the nature of the work he does. 

    I am the mother of two boys, one who has recently been diagnosed with Early Onset Childhood Schizophrenia (Schizoaffective Disorder). 

    It appears the Dowen family gene sequencing contributes much more than the darling dimples both boys have inherited!  But, as always, with love, tender care and support....we will thrive! 


    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012