So, I'm walking by the other night, checking on the family, like the control freak I am, and I realized something. My wonderful husband was doing exactly what I asked him to do. Have I said anything? Nope.....just trying to stay focused on myself, figure out step 1 of Al-Anon and take care of my inner needs, my personal "system". But, really, in a way, I'm acting like I'm still resentful of "all" the stuff we've gone through. All the "stuff" WE went through? I had to admit that my resentment also included: EVERYTHING I've ever experienced. Now, that goes waaaay back in time, as anyone with DID can comprehend. Average age of onset for DID, is 4.9 years, mine was right about there....so I'm holding resentment for what? 36 years folks.......thirty six years!!!! That's a lot of resentment.
I stopped, and instantly thought of (name deleted for privacy) note........and I couldn't move any further. I really couldn't. I knew the family was involved with what they were into, but, I couldn't move. I just watched. Standing there, with "gratitude" right in front of me, and I had to make a choice. Keep walking with my huge bag of resentment, or practice gratitude?
Finally I said: "Excuse me.....(husband looked up), I just want you to know how much I've noticed that you are making eye contact, you're listening to what we have to say, you're involved with the family, and you are tired, but not asleep. I'm very impressed. Thank you, I mean it: Thank you. It warms my heart, and I'm grateful for the effort you've been putting forth."
He just looked at me, with those dark Choctaw eyes, and said: "I read your letter, I didn't take it lightly, I paid attention. I might not talk much, but I do care. I think about it often. Thank YOU for noticing that I am trying." And then, shock of all shocks, he smiled. Just briefly, but he smiled.
Do you know what? I almost choked on the word "grateful".
Why? I had no realization until that moment that I've been holding my little bag (well not so little bag) of resentment, carrying it around like a precious baby. It's been my baggage for so long, it would seem like I lost something to simply let go of it.
Thank you my friend......you reminded me of a concept I would never have even truly considered in my day to day life. Ask me about anger and DID, flashbacks, nightmares, scars, stigma, medication, self care, suicide, self harm, etc........I can talk all day about those subjects. But resentment? Wow, now that's a huge issue, and cannot be ignored. We can try, but the reality is that it does exist. Of course it would...that's only logical! To deny that it holds a presence in our daily lives? Well, there's an error in that way of living. One that leads to transference, and corrupts our very soul.
We had a family meeting as a result the next day. We agreed that our new family motto will be: "Whatever maintains the safety, serenity and peace in our family unit comes first. No personal desire, emotion or preference comes before this."
I heard husband repeat the chant last night with the boys. It was a peaceful evening indeed. But, I had done something that normally I would have told the boys not to do: put a LARGE glass of ice cold coffee right on the table over the play station system, tele components, yeup, everything that is ruined by liquid. One trip, one nerf gun bullet, and the entire set up would be ruined. So, in quick reaction, husband snapped, oooops, verbally snapped nastily at me.
Thanks (name deleted)........I know I'll need Al-Anon, and continued therapy for work on the resentment. Diagnosed 20 years with DID, and I just now realize that I'm still carrying around my bag of resentment, ever waiting to be added to? Time to let it go......don't know how, but I have the support and the tools available to me to figure it out.
Just my 20 cents.
Have a good day.......