Youngest boy woke me up much earlier than I would have liked; his cute face simply staring at me until I "got up" really was quite effective. He has truly become a morning person, up with husband and then out to wake everyone else up for the day. Older brother ignores him better than I can, even the dog buried his head in his fluffy tail. BUT....nope, not so little guy was still sitting there staring. I'd smile and cover my head, but I KNEW he was still "there". Every time I checked, he'd say: "Are you ready to wake up? (smile)" Finally I gave in.....okay, okay......where's the coffee?
My head isn't so swimmy today, but still a bit of the migraine. Pdoc's office called and said "whoops, we really messed up your meds!" Really? No kidding.....how'd you come to that conclusion? They said I was "smart" to telephone and let them know right away. Hmmmmm, well, I'm glad I'm "smart" on occasion then. Okay, so I am now to go back to normal dosages and take a trip in to see them again on Monday. There's no way I'm driving right now.....I did tell them that I'm going to have to be more assertive with them about changing the medication amounts around. They agreed, and said they are going to have to fix their records too.......they aren't correct. (!!!!) But from now on, they see me on a different day from the boys.
It does look like everyone is healthy again, and now to get back on track. I have a stack of things that need to be done, some were due several days ago, but with a bit more coffee, they can be tackled. Mostly documents, so one at a time and a fresh pot of coffee.
A thread was started at another DID site, which asked: "Where do the names of insiders come from? How many people made them, are they descriptive, or were they just 'there', etc?" Which often leads to the next question: "How many people have animals or alternate creatures inside?"
Interesting, for as long as I've talked with others about DID, these two questions always come up. Especially for people new to their dx.......where, why, how come? The reality is: that there isn't one straight out answer. Everyone is different, just as each of our backgrounds were different. Even two people, living in the same household will have different reactions to the same environment. That subject alone has been studied through and through. Anna Freud had a field day studying with some of the greatest minds of her time this very subject. Her father wasn't so thrilled, but then again: they uncovered information that had previously been unavailable to them. Ahhhh, one of the deplorable benefits of post-war trauma.
For me? Well, they just had names......and it did honestly confuse and panic me in the beginning. Finding poetry or notes written by someone else, signed by someone else, and at other times NOT signed by someone else, but certainly not something I recall writing. The style was different, spelling was close, but certain spelling errors were repetitive....sentence structure, and above all else: content matter was different than what "I" would have written. When names were signed, I honestly was confused as to "who" got into my most sacred of private writing areas.....and what was the purpose? Of course, this was pre-dx, and then the months following, and still occurs today, but with less confusion.
Over time, I came to understand where or how they chose their names. So for my system: they chose them. Husband would call certain ones "that dark one", or "that mean one"....but they weren't names or descriptions I had given. It was merely his way of trying to describe the difference. Now we have come much farther along, and he can tell many times by just the way my face will change, or my tone changes. Some speak more rapid style, others are very blank.....he can tell, and says it's all me, just divided into sections. I must admit, that's much nicer than being told: "Hey, THAT dark one is back!!! Who are you? And what did you do with Shelly?"
Frankly, those questions got him no where, as there would usually be silence afterwards. Poor guy, had to wing it until a great therapist stepped in and helped explain. Both his therapist and mine......and with that, as well as dialog came a lot of growth.
But who chose the names? For me, the answer is that they did. I can understand now where they came from....but 10 years ago, I had no clue. Even recently, through active therapy I have been able to understand much more as to the initial splittings thatoccurred. Hence, therapy and a good therapist at that, is critical.
It makes me wonder though, at the confusion that is displayed sometimes by the psychiatric community. Of course there will be confusion, for DID is the result of trauma, and no two people experience trauma in the same way. A coping mechanism that adapted as a person aged, with the inherent secrecy demanded by the presence of a dysfunctional familial unit. That much is understood, but I must admit: I think sometimes it is forgotten that no two people are alike: let alone two insiders within the same unit.
I've always been fascinated by the history behind mental illness, and how often the psychiatric community has both correctly and incorrectly interpreted the complexities of the human mind. A hundred years ago? Well, I'd be diagnosed completely differently. 500 years ago? Hey, I wouldn't be here.
And today: the mind is a fascinating organ that still confuses and frustrates both professionals and humans alike. Like a bank vault, it literally fights intrusions of any sort, let alone those interpreted as threats. I've spent hours studying the human mind, both inside and outside of the class structure, only to hear the same statements again and again: "We know this, but we don't why, and we don't know this, and we don't know why."
So, you want to know where "the names" and sub-types come from? That answer is as varied as each of us, and the only way to truly understand is to figure out who you are, and how your system works. The sad thing is that so many people are trying to figure out their dx, let alone trying to find a normality of sorts. Where do we fit in? Are there others like us?
Well yes, and yes....and as to normality, the only commonality is that we are all humans. How we've reacted I don't believe is unique to our generation, nor to our culture. Pick any time in history, and there exists reactions related to trauma that are interpreted based on the knowledge of the time.
Medication always makes me think of my vehicle. One mechanic may say to add fuel injection cleaner, another will suspect the computer system, where another will be looking for a blown fuse. The reality? A vehicle is a complex set of components that all must work together, and seldom is there a printout that says: "The problem is right here, and put this item in its place and all will be well."
Thank goodness we as humans are treated far more humanely than vehicles, as any "Pick-A-Part" business will prove. History has shown periods of time where humans were treated as such, but today: at least professionals are trying. The concept has finally sunk in: that we are complex creatures who will survive.
That is something to celebrate....despite the deep chasm of unknowns as far as the human psyche is concerned, we will continue to survive. We find ways to adapt that are truly unique, with one goal to reach: that of remaining alive. Thank goodness for whatever component of our system it is that provides that constant spark. It may be threatened, but it still remains within each of us: that flicker of hope for a better future.
Well, that's my soap box for today. There's a lovely breeze in TX right now, and I have two darling boys who are darting around the house like young colts exploring delightfully the world around them. They revel in their safety, and for that: I'm grateful.
Have a good day everyone.....
find a bit o'peace today, and remember to take care of yourselves.