So, it's Monday.....no big deal right? Well one boy thinks every bone in his body is hurting, so he can't "do" school, and the other says he's sick, so he can't "do" school either, BUT might be well enough to go swimming later. Ahhhh, there's the clue. 

Really? Do I look like this will work? When has it ever? Sorry dudes, but if you're too sick for homework, then you can climb back into bed. I have a funny feeling I'm going to be tested today on this. Bed is torture for them both, especially if it's a "nap" and not a "lay down for a bit". Darn, Dante learned to tell time, so I can't give time limits anymore. He just lays there playing with his feet in the air until the time finally clicks by. So, we'll see, it'll either be a day of testing, which in that case, I have some crochet to finish....or it can go swimmingly. 

I'm having flashbacks again....something the new therapist and I are working on. It's the second book, I know it is, but it's also a real pain. I can almost feel as if all these people from the past are back in my life sometimes......but on a cognitive level I know they are not. Still, it's strange to be standing there, and I could swear that so-in-so is right next to me, and it's no longer 2012. 

The therapist says to not simply think "what year is it?", but to acknowledge all the emotions connected with that person or event. Connect with the body, and recognize each sensation. It's only through this practice that one can move past flashbacks and into memory. It releases the trauma connected with each event.....and, is very tiring. Makes for better writing, but right now that's not the goal. I just want them to climb back into the cave they came from. That would be nice.....

But, on the other hand, it's been eye opening to me how many people I know who are going through some really rough times. Just looking around my section of apartments, I can see some whose wives have left, taking the children with them, others who have lost jobs and are moving, others who have recently had serious injuries.....the list goes on. Sometimes it's so easy to get caught in the land of DID, that I forget that the world in general has problems too.

Husband and I have our Monday night date planned, so I'm looking forward to this evening. Let's hope the boys manage to survive home school, and all goes well. I'm not beyond shutting down PS3 until we adjust our attitudes regarding homework. It's really not that bad, in fact, is easily done when the spirit is willing. Ahhh, there's the ticker, and my constant chant: "Is it attitude or ability?" 

And that applies to more than just home schooling.....it really applies to life. Am I able to do this thing, or is my attitude towards: (pick one) taking care of myself, facing my fears, addressing my responsibilities, not assuming responsibility for someone else, etc. hindering my ability to succeed? So simple, and yet it's only when the situation (no matter what it is) is broken down into two small components that the entire picture becomes clear. WE can be our own strongest barrier. Attitude versus Ability. That's really the whole kit and kaboodle in a nutshell.

Well, the service dog, who has learned to be quiet, has discovered that large men are moving large objects out of an apartment and need to be watched, growled at and checked regularly. He's the first one going to bed today. Wonder if the boys will be on their way to bed too? 

I suspect growing pains (literally) with the older boy, as he is doing what my side of the family does. Grows wide, then tall, then wide, then tall,......he's hitting the "grow tall" point right now. When I keep it in perspective, that's a lot of growing to do in order to change from a wee child to the Oak Door that their Dad is. My family just does it quick......and I remember, it does make the joints ache. 

Still, he has announced that he wants 7 (yeup, SEVEN) children, and is already trying to figure out how soon he needs to go to work, so that he can provide for all 7 and a wife, and himself. He makes me laugh, as last night he asked candidly: "Do you have the kids first or the wedding?" Hmmmmm, well that depends on your belief structure. Let me explain........

And that was 11pm....he couldn't sleep until he figured it out. Why don't you get your homework done first instead? He still thinks girls are gross, so how he figures he's going to have 7 kids I'm not sure. 

BUT if you're going to manage to work as hard as Dad (which he referenced) then you will have to learn to work through the pain, whatever it is. 

Attitude versus Ability.....there, it strikes again. Yes, sometimes we are unable to do something, but in general, check and see if it's really an attitude problem. 


That's all for today.....a balmy, overcast day here in TX. We find out today or tomorrow if it's Manhattan for us, or goodness only knows where.........



Take care of yourselves everyone......and stay safe.

 


Shelly 

I love Sunday's...I have finally learned to nap guilt free, and Sunday is all out, full permission to be lazy. Even the boys are lazy, and that's quite alright. Monday will come soon enough, and we'll be back to our usual schedule. 

I just can't get into their video games.......I sit there, and then am bored beyond belief. You would think that at least one part of me would find them interesting, but nope.....no one is even intrigued to say the least. 

We took the boys fishing last night for catfish.....which meant we fed a lot of bait to the unseen. Aramis did great with his meds so late at night (for him), we ended up watching a water moccasin swim past (ewww, they are everywhere!) and for the first time we all were able to see fire flies! I think everyone inside was as delighted as everyone outside. They look like fairies.......Dad made their disappointed evening a success by stopping off at Sonic at 9:30pm (yeah Dad!!!). I actually ate some onion rings, which really means that I shared a small order with the three guys. 

I'm reading a (so far) fascinating book I saw while browsing at our local library. It's called: "Stalking the Irish Madness" by Patrick Tracey. Several generations of his family have suffered from schizophrenia, and after losing his way through drugs and alcohol (the strain and familial damage is far reaching) he finds sobriety, and begins to research more into what is know regarding his family history. I'm only half way through, but the studies he refers to intrigued me as much as they did him. Statistically, and it's been proven over and over with a multitude of studies as well as statistics related to schizophrenia, that the Irish have a higher likelihood of developing the disorder. 

Right now, he's stuck at "why", and the connection of Irish lore to symptoms that are similar if not spot on to schizophrenia. Of course fairies were to blame, which made me think a bit when I was watching the fire files last night. It would be very easy to find connections with nature if, as a society you are living in a closed, rather oppressed state and are seeking answers. 

Aramis is doing better, he's actually finding a sense of humor and handling things much better. He woke me up the other night (one of countless times I am waken at night for some reason or another) and I called him by his brother's name. That normally would have set him off for days, but instead he laughed it off. He woke me early this morning with "ARAMIS" written on his hand and a great big hug. Now, that's progress. 

Although, last night he saw the two red eyeballs again. Okay, we kept on walking to our fishing spot, but he had to make sure that we realized that "they" were there.....I finally whispered to Dad that if he doesn't say something in addition to my response, this will go on all night. So, we both agreed that "darn! those eyeballs are over there at that house! Well, it's a good thing we're walking to the other end of the lake." What else can you say? He sees them, we don't. That's it in a nutshell. 

At least the voices aren't nearly so bad, but he's starting to catch on that we don't hear "them", so like many with schizophrenia, he's decided that to talk about it just makes him seem "weird". That's his big worry now....being discovered. Ahhhh, the shame runs in every area of mental illness/disorders does it not? If I could take one thing away, it would be the shame. It simply adds an additional burden to an individual who has enough to manage anyway.

As someone who was raised by an individual with schizophrenia, as well as extended family members, this book is interesting from that perspective alone. He writes very well about his feelings, his anger, his confusion, and the constant questions of a bright mind in search of logical answers. Meanwhile, watching other family members react in their own ways......I can relate, and yet, find his writing quite validating. I don't know why I never thought to read regarding someone else's experiences......I just happened upon the book, and snagged it quickly as the boys were calling to me. However, there are so many similarities, and the mixture of his emotions, and subsequent interactions with others are things that I can relate to. 

His generations encompassed the years of seclusion in mental wards, so he provides a different perspective in the area of history, but as he enters the 70's and his sisters begin to display two different forms of schizophrenia, he's now caught in our era. The law says you can't put someone "away" unless they are harming someone else or themselves. Yet, with schizophrenia, that's like a shoe that drops when you least expect  it. 

No wonder my reaction with DID is to constantly be on watch, to be on guard for changes in the people around me. I watch the body language constantly, even of my therapist, the person who may stand behind me in line, the clerk at the counter, my husbands work mates. The sad thing is that generally I'm right......I can tell quick as a wink, there is something going on. It may take a few hours or a few days, but I usually find out that: yes, that person is struggling with something, or is having difficulties and is barely keeping the anger below the surface. It's my constant way of life, and what I've learned. Of course.......and I had no idea how much the schizophrenia played into it. 

Well, today is our "sleepy Sunday", and other than preparing for school this next week, everything important has been completed today. Ahhh, not too hot yet, and a day to relax. I'm finally accepting that it's "okay" to simply nap and hang out on Sundays......without guilt. After all, Monday is just around the corner, so I'd better appreciate the easy going attitude that Sunday brings to our home. 


All my best wishes for peace today.....


And Anna, please write.......we're worried about you.
 

Hang in there everyone, and try to give yourself some quiet time today.
 


Shelly

I like Fridays.....Thursday was a good day, and no, I didn't lose it.....I just was busy the entire day so didn't have any energy left to write. 

I did have my T appointment, which was very productive and brought forward a lot of new thoughts. I really just needed to sit down last night and think these over. Really great thoughts, and ones that leave you thinking about them for a long time afterwards. Honestly, I didn't think I'd connect with this therapist, but she has the training and background that suits my requirements, and was highly recommended. It just took some time for my protective insiders to "check her out" and let me actually attend the sessions. She (the therapist) was rather nonplussed about the whole process, and just gave a "been here, done this" look the whole time. Me? I was more than little peeved to be paying for sessions I was not attending. But, it worked out as usual. 

The therapist pointed out a few things that I had neglected to realize (and why seeing a therapist regularly is a really great idea). For instance: I had put cold chicken into a skillet with hot oil. I was slightly aware that when it splashed, I ended up with a burn on the edge of my lip. Ouch....but not bad, so I went on preparing dinner. It wasn't until the next day, that I looked in the mirror and saw that as I was wearing a tank top, my entire chest had been badly burned. No clue.....didn't even connect that I was injured, until I "saw" all the blisters. I wasn't just burnt, I had burned badly. Oooops........my therapist cringes just at the appearance of them now....shoot, they're healing. And why the cringe? It didn't hurt. 

Then I wonder why I'm having multiple  flashbacks....one right after another, the what I call: "rolling kind".....okay, so my regular dose of Klonopin will take care of these, but I'm so tired afterwards from the medication. Hmmmmm, my therapist is still looking at me. Nothing to say? Okay, I'll continue.......

I mention that it's strange: I can look in the mirror and put makeup on, do my hair, what have you....but I don't recognize who is in the mirror, and have simply learned to stop caring about it. Every day, for my entire life, I don't recognize who is in the mirror. I hate having pictures taken, as people will say: "That's a great picture of you!!" and for all intents and purposes, it might as well be a picture off of a magazine. I don't "know" or recognize that person. I hate picture taking.....it feels as blank as looking in a mirror. Hmmmmm, my therapist is still looking at me, but I see the spark of thoughts starting to brew. She'll say something when she's ready. 

I tell her about the whole water/mess scenario in our apartment, and how once I speak Spanish, I can't switch back to English...which makes me wonder how many times I switch and don't realize it? As obviously at some point in time I finally got out of the insider land of Spanish, and returned to English. But still, without even realizing it, I'm talking to the boys in Spanish at the local McD's.....they adjust, or will simply ask: "What are you saying?" Okay, so they will end up tri-lingual as the same thing happens when I switch to signing. 

I also mentioned that at one of the forums I participate in, many of my DID peers refer to their "littles" or young insiders coming out at WalMart, or in public.Frankly, (I told the therapist), she would have to meet with me for at least a year before I'd let them out. I don't know her well enough, even husband had to wait years before he even saw glimpses of the young ones. That's why they are locked away.....the world is not safe, so they are exactly where they need to be. It takes a long term therapist for me to be comfortable with letting them out, and with so many protective "bigs" in my system, I'm not the only one holding them back. They have thoughts, they talk, but no: you're not getting near them. 

Geesh, I've been tired this week......and that's when the therapist finally responds. She actually makes me laugh, she sits there all tidy with perfect posture, just listening. Then she'll adjust her seat, usually move her jacket a little, and will reply. Okay, kind of have her figured out now. 

She asked me about the cutting?  Do I "feel" the body then? Well, yes, but only once it starts to bleed, and then the rush of finally feeling something. Husband is disgusted by it, just as he reacted to the burn and she did too....but I don't feel anything so it's "no big deal" to me. I wonder why there's such a strong difference in opinions? She asked if I can taste food? Nope.....food reminds me of mom, and if I allow the thoughts to go there, then I get sick. So, food is on the "have to" list, and I just try to get it done, at least once daily, something has to go into my stomach. Better make it healthy, because this is not an enjoyable experience. She asked what can I "feel"? 

Well, I've been practicing, and I can now feel the warmth of the sun on my legs, or arms, and it's wonderful. I can feel the warmth of a bath, and the sensation of floating, which is very relaxing. BUT, that's required a lot of time and patience to achieve. My body is simply a shell that holds all of us....but we're in the head. 

That's when she reminds me that to separate from the body was a very effective survival action, one that kept the overwhelming physical abuse at a level of tolerance. Almost defiant in a way: "You can do what you want, but I don't feel it." The same thing with not recognizing myself in the mirror, (she mentions on the side that it's very common with DID).....I have found a way to completely detach from the physical person, and live within the safety of the mind. True......I knew this, but didn't really "see" how much it pervaded my own life. 

But, she reminds me that I "am no longer in danger.....so why the continuation of this protective measure?" No kidding.....and a very good point. Integration is not always about the insiders connecting and merging, but can also be about the body finally becoming connected to the mind. 

It's then I realize that one of the flashbacks that kept hitting me was when I was about 5 and I ended up being burnt on the chest with scalding water. Mom was absent, and I made a large can of spinach for dinner. It was all I could find, and would feed the boys and I. But, I lifted the pan off the stove and tried to step down from the stool I had made with an old milk crate, and all the water of course rolled right out and onto me. I knew enough to get my shirt off, but the rest is a blur. I had already figured out how to separate the mind from the body. 

My therapist reminded me that flashbacks will continue, until you can accept them completely, and that means all the bodily memories as well. To be numb in one area blocks acceptance, and until one can process the entire flashback, it will continue to come. It's an infection, an old wound that is begging to be treated. I've already realized that to not address these old wounds leads to a gangrene of the soul, and a very dangerous place to be. 

And then the "ah ha" moment hits.....why I've been so tired. That's a lot of switching and fighting flashbacks for one week. Several other events had happened over the week as well, dealing with my family of birth (yeah, they climbed out of the woodwork), and now that my book has been released, I receive letters from people with many questions, some of them triggering. She reminded me of boundaries, and why I'm not in Social Work anymore. Yeup, got that answer down, but it doesn't change the fact that I wish I could save the world.....

or save my "little" brothers. Well, can't go back and undo that part of history. But, I can work on today. For almost 30 years I tolerated and survived, and when the therapist and I discussed this it became apparent to me that it will take a long time to undo a practiced way of existing. I'm strong, that I know, and I can do it. But, it's going to take lots of little steps, still, as it took many, many events to create the person I am today. 

So, those are my thoughts for the day. See? I told you that yesterday's session was the type that keeps you thinking and making connections long after the session is officially completed. 

The boys are doing great......Aramis just gets "bad feelings" now in the evening. They almost seem residual in nature, like the old delusions are still in his memory bank, so as night falls he begins to recall them. Last night is was again: "how long are you going to live?", and "will something bad happen?". Well, deary, I'm 40 and still have a long way to go. Oooops, he thought I was 20, so for a few minutes that answer definitely didn't work, as I aged quite a bit in his mind. (Actually the look on both the boys faces was one to cherish.....they honestly thought I was 20.......some people need to review math for certain!) I had to remind him that 40 is NOT nearly dead. There is still plenty of time. Next question? "Will I be picked on when I'm grown up?" Hmmmm, where'd that one come from? I don't think so buddy, you've got your family around you, and you're a wonderfully generous person. (On top of that you're built like a tank......if you continue to take after Dad , I don't think anyone is going to "pick on you"...but for now, let's not add any more ideas to the already worried state.) 

Dante found four new pimples yesterday.....yeup, you're becoming a teenager. He was mortified, but frankly, they're small and nothing like he may see in the future. Right now? I'd like to quickly pass through the phase of forgetfulness. It seems like every teenager I've worked with has entered the same phase. One day, they know that the lid goes on the milk carton, and it is promptly returned to the refrigerator. The next? Goodness knows how long the milk will sit there....and with a reminder, the milk will be in the fridge, but the cap is still on the counter. I know it will pass......and I'll keep gently reminding. There's no reason to criticize.....after all, he's just now entering the teens. He will eventually get his head back in place, but until then: a lot is happening to that body of his. 

He actually asked me last night: "What if the girl I want to marry doesn't want to do any housework at all or work outside at a job? If I like her, I should just say okay and do both jobs huh?" Uh, no honey.....run, and run fast. No one is cute enough to get by with that much laziness. 

One thing is for certain: my home is filled with interesting questions from all corners. Some actually make me laugh in private.......no darling, don't marry anyone who expects you to do all the work. But remember, he also says that: girls are gross, and he's not getting married. What can I say? It's the pre-teens. 


Have a wonderful Friday everyone.....we're hitting 92 degrees today!!!!
 

"Yeeehaaaaw" from Texas......


Shelly

Today is one of those days where I want to climb back under the covers and not come out. Coffee's on board, but not working. Frankly, the only alert one in the family right now is the dog......he's on "bird feeder" and "dropped food" duty. The boys are (said with love) space cadets today as well, so the dog is really attentive to their forgotten plates on the table. Too bad he's so short, he can only pop up and down like he's riding a pogo stick. Must be very sad to only get glimpses of the food you can't reach. At least he can impact the birds, to a small degree, as they just come back when he's not looking. 

I think it's from all the wet carpet mess......as we all seem congested and achy. Either that, or we're fighting a cold. But the Scorcers Apprentice scenario really did bring out a lot of mold, so no one feels at their tippy top best right now. Forget school work, I've already been informed they are "too sick" to do work. Considering how they are laying like limp washcloths, I believe them. 

I know what will work for me: throw open those blinds, and clean the remaining mold off the walls. Get the place (now that's it dry AGAIN) back to normal, and then face a new day tomorrow. The boys? Well, give them some more allergy medicine, and keep them hydrated. They'll get baths and all that good stuff, which should help clear the achy-ness. 

Older boy is desperate to play a game of chess.....I used to enjoy playing it with him, but now I lose all the time. That stinks.....no one should lose repeatedly to a 9 year old. Hey? Can that count as "school"? Nah....but they can catch up on the weekend. 

Aramis actually went to bed early last night, after worrying about everything under the sun. "Are we going to starve?" No, the house is full of food. "Is someone going to kill us?" No.....we're safe. "Are you going to die?" No......not today. (Don't go there.....it would last all night if I even mentioned that someday I'll die.) "How old can people live?" My grandmother was 103. "But what about THEM"? Well, they are to stay in the corner....doctor said so. "Where's my Foo Foo? (his stuffed animal).....oh good, I thought THEY got his eyeballs. He still has two." Great....now let's go to sleep. "But I'm afraid". Well, you won't be after you go to sleep. "Will you holded me?" Yeup, as it seems to keep THEM in the corner. He was asleep in a few minutes, and then spent all night stealing the blankets. I got punched once, woah, that's a new one, will definitely have to watch for that in the future. 

I swear, if I didn't have to be on Mommy duty today, I'd climb back into bed and not come out until an hour before everyone is due home. Even my head feels achy.....but alas.....someone has to be responsible. Any volunteers from the land of the inside? Nope? Looks like it's me then. 

Which has me thinking: there are threads a mile long at several DID forums about tiredness.... whether it comes from the DID or the medications, or both? Doctors and psychiatrist will tell you it comes from both, but to never underestimate the amount of tiredness that results from just functioning within the realms of DID. Great.....guess it's better than hypo-mania. Too many DID'ers have to deal with tiredness for it not to be a legitimate component of the disorder. I can usually get myself up and going, but not happening today. 

I've had these occasions before, and I'll be the first to chant the "self care is important" theme song for DID....but to actually follow through is a completely different reality. Obviously my system wants to rest, and I feel guilty if I do so. Guilt.....another component that appears to be a constant thread running through DID. "If I'm not perfect, then I'm bad, and I should feel guilty that I'm bad, because I'm not perfect." That makes no sense whatsoever, other than it's an old message from a really messed up place that existed a long time ago. 

And there's the kicker: that many of the self sabotaging thought processes are in reality messages we received a long time ago. We heard them so often, that they became a part of our belief systems, our very foundation of standards, codes and values. It must be acknowledged that for many of us, our family of origin had a lot more time ingraining these beliefs into our psyches than we have had time to detach from such a twisted sense of reality. 

So, there's my thought for the day: give it time. And if that means crawling back under the covers, then so be it. Tomorrow is a new day, and it's just waiting to be embraced. 

For me, I'll tidy the house, kill some mold, take care of the kids, and then find that comforter. Oh.....can't forget to lose again at Chess.....but after these relatively easy things are taken care of, tomorrow can be as productive and active as I want it to be. 

For now: I'm outvoted, since the majority in the system know quite well where the comforter is. 


Have a good day everyone......and of course: remember to take care of yourselves. 



Shelly

Yesterday was a blur.....carpet and toilet guys in our apartment right and left. As they spoke Spanish, and only one of my insiders speak Spanish, I kept switching. Once I'm in the land of sign language or Spanish, it's tough to switch back....poor kids, they are going to learn both these languages no matter what it seems. Even when husband came home, I found that to tell him about the day, I switched to Spanish. Dang it....I wish there wasn't a division between the two. 

So, the boys asked if they could stay up last night to watch one of the squeaky Chipmunk movies....alright, sounds good. Dad goes to bed, as he ran errands for the family all day and was beat. Then younger boy announces that he can't sleep without one, pleeeeeeese one iCarly episode, as he feels much better and not so frightened of "going to sleep" if he can fall asleep to that. Okay, but I'm tired now too, so I'll just lay on the couch until you're done, special movie night and all, and then tuck you in as usual. 

Dante comes along and says "Hey, the floor is wet". I'm awake. 

This happened once before, once, and I didn't like it then. For some strange reason, which this luxury apartment complex claimed to have fixed, the toilet decides it will run, and run, and run.......last time I caught it at the small hallway. Last night? It was literally 4 inches deep in the bathroom, the bathroom closet was 4 inches deep, the hallway, the living room, one bedroom, the dining room, ALL 4 inches deep in water. 

I'm stunned to say the least, as every step literally makes waves roll across the carpeting. I roll up my pants, and have visions of Mickey Mouse and the Scorcers Apprentice while turning off the main water valve to the toilet. 

Just how bad is the water? Oh phooey, it's going to be hours of sopping this up.......so, I get a towel and start soaking and squeezing into the bathtub. I begin to wonder if we have concrete floors or will the neighbors be knocking at this now very late hour? Aramis can't take it, somehow in his easy to trigger delusional state, assumes HE is to blame.....no one is honey, it's the toilet. Oh shoot, can't convince him differently, and I can only tackle one monster at a time. Watch more iCarly, stay put and I'll get this. 

And there's the knock at the door......great, the neighbors are getting wet now too. Nope, it's another set of neighbors to tell me that my little service dog is outside trying to get back in. When did he get out? How? Huh? Okay....get in here buddy, and thank goodness you don't go far from me. I thank the neighbors profusely, and return to squishing the towel into the bathtub. 

Now: how to get the water BACK to the bathroom that is now spreading across the carpet into the entire apartment? Hmmm, I have a swiffer, I'll use that.....and I begin to push the water back to the bathroom, where I now have 4 inches to pick up again. 

The dog goes and sits on husband, wet paws and all.....and now he's awake wondering what's going on? Oh boy.......well, at least I have help now. We both keep pushing the water back into the bathroom, and picking up the towel that gets heavier with every soak. Wonder what the closet looks like? Oh phoooey again, it's up the walls, and has soaked into all our storage. So, we start pulling stuff out, and swiffering that room, another 4 inches roll into the bathroom again. 

By some outrageous time in the early morning we've got  most of the water back down the drain. I call the emergency management and they ask: "How many toilets do you have? Two? Okay, we'll get a message out".....and hang up. Huh? Squish, squish, squish.....the day starts. 

Finally someone shows up and sucks up what's left of the water, which is still a lot, and says that they will have to rip out the carpeting, bring in a dehumidifier, and push all the furniture to the last few feet of dry carpeting in the place.

Okay, we don't handle a house like this very well. I like a tidy home, a serene home, one that smells good, and is relaxing. I don't have that, and this isn't funny in my book. Glad the boys consider it an adventure, but my sanctuary has just been ripped up......literally, as he's cutting and pulling carpet in order to remove the padding underneath. I think I'll go out to my balcony, hide all day and work on my book. 

The walls are growing mold already......welcome to TX. 

So......that's how my day started. The management has determined that our toilet is broken. Really? Where'd you get that idea? At least it's clean water....just a lot of clean water. Husband says I should have woke him up.....I would have, when I got to the point of swiffering the water out of the bedroom. Really, it just seemed like it needed to be addressed NOW, and I still (and I'm 40!!!!) haven't got the message to all of my insiders that you can actually ask for help from someone else. It seems simple, but it's just not in there. I wasn't taught it growing up, and that's too many years to undo the training that you can't count on anyone to help, you just have to do it yourself. 

My balcony seems very peaceful right now. And hey......I was ready to return to writing anyway. 

And to think: I just bought carpet fresh to make the place smell so nice and homey. Guess THAT will have to wait......I do find it amazing that coming from such a chaotic home environment growing up, that my adult home life is constantly redirected towards a serenity. I never realized the importance of this for me/us until this event. The boys, Dad included are actually having fun with this adventure. 

Me? I'm shook, and I don't like it. The couch goes here! The carpet does not get ripped to shreds.....and is kept clean! The bedrooms do not get filled with wet objects to dry out. This is not a home! This is like the house I grew up in, dirty, nasty and just plain uncomfortable. 

Well, it will pass.....and time for me to recall that it is the year 2012, my dog is safe (how the heck did he get out?), and someone else is willing to help. All lessons I can take on today......albeit from my balcony. 

May everyone have a peaceful, uneventful day.......just check the toilet every once in a while. 

Which reminds me, darn.....there's no toilet on the balcony. 
Guess I will have to go inside at some near point in time :(



Shelly

Texas does get hot eventually, right? It's raining, and cold as can be....I'm literally bundled up like I'm back in UT. I asked, and "yes ma'am" I'm told it does get "mighty hot round these paaaarrts".....try to add the Texan twang in there ;)

No work today for husband, so we get to run a few errands and then return to the land of video games as the boys just got a new one. It looks interesting....but I can't sit long and watch it. 

I took the boys out for skateboarding yesterday....first time for them both. Aramis did great, although he overheated really fast (a Seroquel side effect), and Dante fell three or four times. I remember learning to skateboard, and had to let him know if he still had the skin on his knees, he was fine. "WHAT?! You mean I can skin my knees with these things?" Well, yeas, unless I put you in knee and elbow pads, helmets and the whole gear....but you're riding training skateboards and simply learning how to use your feet. I mean: 20 feet back and forth, that's it. We've done the protective gear with bike riding, and dude, you are no where near that level of skateboarding yet. Then, of course the little lawyer wanted to know what it meant when I told him to "get back on the horse and ride"? Don't let your fears hold you back little buddy.....you won't get far. 

Someone wrote me yesterday, asking about why they can't access the younger parts of their system? Well, hmmmm, you can't rush things, and you can't make things happen that aren't ready yet. Basically: that's it. If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself to slow down and learn the skills of taking care of myself first, instead of trying to dig out the dark underbelly of abuse long forgotten. 

"Just not ready yet....think of how the circulatory system works: if your body is faced with extreme cold, all blood is diverted to the core in order to keep you alive. Your psyche works the same way......if you aren't in a place to handle the information, then it won't come out. Sometimes other insiders have to come forward first, and in essence lay a foundation that prepares your mind for what is to come. Don't freak.....I'm 20 years into this dx and just connected to the first split.....you'd have thunk that "the baby who keeps crying" would have been connected with years ago. Nope, it took my psyche growing stronger, my life choices becoming healthier and a lot of bonding with the insiders before this one would come out. And hell it was.....when she finally did. BUT, we had the strength and tenderness of the unit to manage, so we realized in hindsight that all the other insiders who were "hard to reach" were just steps towards the bigger issues. Create a safe haven in your mind, and they will revel in it. Create safety outside the body, and they will feel safe. Things will come as your psyche can handle it.....Hope this helps."

And really, that's what it comes down to: learning to create a safe environment around yourself. After all, that didn't exist for most of our early years, so it's not something that's going to be recreated overnight. But, we have to become our own advocates and take care of ourselves now that we are "free" so to speak. 

Found out that Seroquel is......drum roll please............$340 for a month! That's right folks, over $300, and that's at a low dosage. Poor kiddo, good thing we bought insurance. Husband "did the numbers" and discovered that we've already ran psych expenses over $10g in three months for Aramis and myself. Now, I'm the cheap one, as we've handled my meds, and T appointments without insurance before. Apparently, schizophrenia is expensive....to say the least. 

And Aramis announced privately yesterday that "we need to watch out because brother will try to kill us". Okay....got your back honey, we won't let anything happen. Hmmmm, does this mean an increase in Seroquel? I think so, as the psychiatrist said he's still on a low dose, and it will have to be adjusted. Consider also that I found him two days ago huddled in the corner terrified of the unseen, then it looks like an increase is in our future. 

However, he handled school beautifully, and is certainly more alert. He actually recalled how to do multiple digit addition yesterday, which was "lost" at some point. How terrifying that must be to look at a paper, not remember, and then of course, start crying out of frustration. Husband and I were discussing it last night, and sometimes it's easy to forget just how "bad" the poor little guy had it. So, let's focus on the fact that things are looking up for sure. 

Makes DID seem simple, but in reality, it's not either. I found myself space out a bit yesterday with the skateboards, as I spent a lot of my youth escaping from the house to play outside....and yes, with a blue skateboard I literally was a daredevil with. The things I would do.....seemed like I had no fear. Watching my boys, especially Dante, made me realize how much time I spent on wheels......always trying to run away it seems. 

That struck me: the constant feeling of needing to run away. I still have it, but fortunately husband's job moves so often that I can be satisfied to some degree. It also helps that I don't have anything dangerous to run away from anymore.....just memories, and they are from the past, not the present. But do I love to pack and move.....there's a release, a freedom of a sort that I believe can never be quenched. It's just been present for so long, that it's now a part of one of us. I know who, and the satisfaction of moving has stopped the actual running away we did so often as an adult. 

The psychiatrist who runs the clinic we attend commented on my service dog the other day, and how well behaved he was. That's sweet, but I could tell he really wanted to know just what does he do? He hinted around about the subject, as it's illegal to ask outright. Well, he grounds me far more than I realized he would, but my old therapist certainly thought he would. It does help, as every time I have to move, there he is, and I'm reminded it's the year 2012. Almost like a little post-it note that hangs within sight at all times: "Notice: it's 2012 and you are grown up now." Pretty cool, the pdoc and I both commented on how more and more psychiatrist are realizing the role service animals have in providing assistance. It doesn't hurt that the dog won't let me out of his sight either, so I don't exactly get "lost" anymore. 

We've noticed, and Aramis' psychiatrist has commented on it, that the dog will hover and actually lay on Aramis right before he has a psychotic break. It's really strange, how he knows, but he does. He'll just sit, follow, sit, follow, and cling to Aramis......and if that's happening, almost 90% of the time an event will occur. If he's under Aramis' chair during school time, I'll notice that Aramis will start eradicating numbers and letters again....or will say that he can't "see" his hands. Interesting.....I'm just grateful that I have a little fox-dog who warns me now. 

Good lawd.....just found out that Dr. Phil doesn't believe he has ever met a "true MPD/DID" person! Hmmmm, what rock has he been under? That should be a really interesting show....I don't remember Oprah being negative towards this condition, but then, perhaps my memory fails me. 

Well, that about wraps up events here in Dallas.......and it's still cold. I'm off to feed the boys lunch and start half day school.......geesh, if you tell them it's a "half day", they act like school work is nothing.....then ask for more to do. Make up your minds guys......



Have a peaceful day everyone! 



Shelly

Yeup, Thursday. We (the boys and all of us insiders) called a "day off" yesterday.....literally sat in our jammies and watched hours of iCarly and some other pre-teen show with loads of cuddling and quiet. 

Hey, I know.....where did Tuesday go? Well, I didn't lose it, it happened, and I'm pleased to say that I was "present" for all of it. (Only a DID'er would understand what a feat that can be at times!) 

Hmmm, Dante is still desiring to return to public school, which is great! Poor dude will have to wait until September, and since we have no clue where we'll be in September, then, guess what?! It'll be a surprise! The earlier he learns how to adapt with people and situations the better off he'll be in adult life. 

I've been thinking about this new request of his, and although it's filled with "I love home school mom, but....", there's something that lies just below the surface. Then, this morning, I realized it: he needs an identity separate from his brother. Even with the medication, his brother is no longer the person he was close to. It just happens, the closeness dissipates when so much psychosis comes into play. Fortunately, Aramis is still closely bonded with me, but I'm mom, so that's normal. And he seeks out Dad sometimes.....but his brother? Nope, his brother Dante is sometimes his playmate, sometimes the person who drives him nuts, and sometimes is the person who is "out to get him". Only two of the three are true, and as far as driving him nuts, Aramis' tolerance level is just above zero. 

Dante ends up on the end of taking care of him more than anything: as bathroom escort, get a glass of water escort, check under the bed person, don't move the door at night, don't turn on the fan (it might fly off and chop you up in your sleep), and the "what time is it again?" person to go to. For schizophrenia, the fact that he's going to someone other than mom is great....but I can understand Dante. He's starting to think about jobs, college and girls......in a random order depending on his hormones (or if Wizards of Waverly Place is on, then Selena Gomez REALLY  has his attention! Great, my future daughter-in-law will have a hint of orneriness to her....I can see it now!!) 

I'm very proud of Dante being willing to spread his wings, and to establish his own identity with that strong spirit that he has. HA! I also said it will require school all summer long just to make sure he is "caught up". I know he's caught up, but a little more than ahead will help him out. He's already tested several grades ahead of his age, but let's just rule out any troubles in that area. 

He'll still learn how to be a support to a sibling with a disability, but I agree as to his establishing himself as a separate person. For so long he clung to his brother with a protectiveness and yet a strange dependency. For once, he can concentrate without having to "watch his brother" for those behaviors that we knew meant a lot more than mere oddities. 

So, to my surprise, Dante conducted home school yesterday. I got a note that said: "Mom, Goddess of Love and Joy. Mom you help me get through life even at it's worst." Then I was to "take a break", while he decided to print off activities, and quiz his brother and himself, putting together a document on our recent study of the Egyptian culture. Hey! Little did they know they had a test coming up on it, and instead, they did it. Way to go Dante! Aramis was so proud, as he completed all the activities, to the point his hands were "sooo tired", but they were proud of themselves. 

ME? I took a break........it was fascinating to watch them conduct their own school, and I really could use the mental time off. A win-win all the way around. I took Aramis on a long run later, which he craves now that this medication has helped his coordination (he couldn't run well before), and by bedtime he was done. Emotionally spent and crying a bit, definitely "done". He was out after a few minutes, just needed to be reminded that the fan wasn't going to get him, and all was safe. 

I found an old school chum on IM, and we have a lovely time catching up. I was open as to why I left school, and she was shocked to say the least. She said she would never have figured that I would have a mental disorder, after all, I "smile all the time, and [am] always so encouraging!" Well, it's the way the pie crust spreads my dear......wasn't this in Social Work 101? Oh yeah, we both laughed over the memory. I then found out that several other classmates also had been struggling with similar issues: severe depression, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, etc. 

It's the shame and secrecy that hurts these people more than anything, and really has to change. In general, to mention these names scares the average citizen, and yet 1:4 individuals who can reach out for assistance are diagnosed with some mental challenge or disorder. Those are just the people who can reach out towards assistance! What about the many more who are in denial, or don't realize that they can be helped to find a way towards hope and a future? Ahhh, but I'm on my soap box again......I just wish that the US put more emphasis on understanding the entire society that surrounds us daily. 

Well, that's all from our corner of TX......they keep telling me it will get hot, but not so far. I'm still wearing my light weight coat, but then again, I'm always cold. Probably these dang cigarettes! 

Hope the world presents itself as warm and peaceful to  each of you today....

And Anna: you're very special. How's school going so far? 


Have a good day everyone, 



Shelly

Well, the day started early with Aramis' scheduled appointment to see his psychiatrist.....basically to check in and see how the Seroquel is working for him. So far, it's working great. I am a bit hesitant, and communicated so with the doctor as to singing it's praises, as Saphris was "great" in the beginning too. But this medication appears to have a better impact on schizophrenia, and Aramis is thrilled with it. I must admit, he's different, completely different. He told the doctor that "it makes the schizophrenia go away", so that is testimony enough for a parent. 

Sadly, he's lost ground in academics, but he's thrilled as he can actually "see" his hands now.....hmmm, wonder how much THAT interfered with handwriting?! The amazing thing is that he is articulate now, so we can actually hear from him as to how he is feeling. He's sweating a great deal more, actually soaking though the sheets and pillows at night, and the pdoc confirmed it's a result of the Seroquel. Hence, he needs water constantly, and the loss of fluids will add to the leg aches. 

Dante happened to come in as well, and the doctor exclaimed in shock: "You're not kidding, your kids start growing at 9, literally, they hit the growth period and begin entering their teens early! Look at him, he's huge!" Yeup, and the attitude along with it. I don't mind, as this is how my family is, how husband progressed he can't remember. Our family matures fast, whether we like it or not. 

Good news is that the standard dose of Seroquel is 600mg, and Aramis has hit the success point at 150mg, which permits a longer period of time to be on it with minimal side effects. He's sleepy, but not terribly bad, as the night terrors made him far sleepier. He can focus at school work, is eager to talk with people now, and no longer has a flat affect. 

It was nice to see the doctor so pleased, as it made me realize that he really is "in this" for the benefit of his clients, who the majority are children. Aramis is comfortable with him, and has been through ehll, so it's a good relationship for him to be initiated into the psych world with. All's good so far......but keeping those fingers crossed. I try not to let him see my hesitancy, and I do think he's oblivious to it.....as he told the doctor that I "watch him all the time and he feels safe". Well, he was told that's what good moms do......okay, so he's not feeling like he's surrounded by bubble wrap. I'm just cautious, after all, I'm the one who takes him to the emergency room and has to fight the monsters all day. I'm so glad they have moved out, as they were really starting to become an irritant. 

Dad wanted Dante off of his Citalopram, and as it was a low dose, I agreed. Nope, within two weeks he was back to his old self, complete with tweaky anxiety and will soon cycle into depression. Soooo, long story short: Dad's wrong and he's back on his meds. Sometimes I think Dad wanted one son who didn't need meds.....but the reality is that Dante faces adult onset schizophrenia as well. The earlier we stay aware of his challenges, the better his life will be. 

He's asked tonight if he can return to public school, and I agreed. I told him we would watch how his attitude is, and that I would permit it. I think it's a grand idea, as his IQ is so high, and he needs stimulation from a public school environment. It will also permit me to work more closely with Aramis. Fortunately, Aramis still believes all of his delusions regarding what occurs in public school, so he won't be eager to return. He could benefit from some 1:1 time, and Dante will be more than likely enrolled within the gifted programs. He will need his meds to maintain though, so that's an area that must be ensured on my end. 

I was standing there at the pdocs counter, when I realized that I haven't seen my doc in three weeks, and I'm frazzled. So, I asked if she had an opening, and fortunately she did. I'm glad, as I really needed to just touch base and talk. Separate what is husbands "problems" from my own, and remember to take care of myself. Dang! That is such a hard thing to remember at times!!!! She was delighted with the book, and was more than shocked that I was willing to write it. Well, it took twenty years, but it's done, that's all I could say. But the session was great, and I was reminded of many things I had forgotten in all my busy-ness with the boys and life. 

We actually laughed at some of the things that I was doing, as she would ask me: "Now, would you handle a client as you did your husband?" Uh, no, I wouldn't be manipulated to satisfy their emotional issues. I would stand back and wait for them to manage the challenge, and the reinforce THAT behavior. Duh.......I don't tolerate this scenario with Dante.....so she kept asking why I do so with my husband? That led to childhood belief systems as to what a marriage consist's of, which was extremely beneficial dialog. I left feeling like so much was sorted out and appropriately divided again.....at least in my mind, and that's where much of this starts. 

I took a long bath and a nap later, and hey! Guess what? It's good to take care of yourself!!! The doctor said that they've been waiting for a book like the one I've written, and can't wait to read the second one, as that subject no one has addressed. That was encouraging, as she ended with: stay focused on your writing, don't quit that.....as well as taking care of the boys, but most of all: take care of yourself. So simple, and something we tell each other daily, yet easily forgotten with ourselves. 

I came home to the fantastic news that an organization that provides speakers to improve awareness of mental illness has decided to put me on the short list of this next years speaker list. I have more steps to do in order to fully qualify, but all the same, that was exciting! Also sold another book, so the day ended on a very good note overall. 

I'm still loving TX....but it's cold (to me) right now. They tell me it will change soon enough, and to be careful what I wish for! Okay, well I also love the humidity, and apparently the tornadoes decided to bypass us and hit Nebraska. Strange, strange things these tornadoes....I prefer earthquakes.....now THEY make sense to this California girl! 

I'll end on a comment that this therapist reminded me of, that another therapist had told me long ago (when feeling very much like I did today) "Girl, it's time to reach in that back pocket of yours and pull out your backbone." 

We both had a good laugh over that.....and sometimes, that's just it. Stand up straight, and start taking care of yourself. It's so easy to fall back into the old messages of neglect and abandonment that we start to do it to ourselves. 

Have a good evening everyone......I've already scheduled tomorrow morning as a "sleep in" day!!! Been a long time since I've done that........


Sweet thoughts out to you all.....



Shelly