No work today for husband, so we get to run a few errands and then return to the land of video games as the boys just got a new one. It looks interesting....but I can't sit long and watch it.
I took the boys out for skateboarding yesterday....first time for them both. Aramis did great, although he overheated really fast (a Seroquel side effect), and Dante fell three or four times. I remember learning to skateboard, and had to let him know if he still had the skin on his knees, he was fine. "WHAT?! You mean I can skin my knees with these things?" Well, yeas, unless I put you in knee and elbow pads, helmets and the whole gear....but you're riding training skateboards and simply learning how to use your feet. I mean: 20 feet back and forth, that's it. We've done the protective gear with bike riding, and dude, you are no where near that level of skateboarding yet. Then, of course the little lawyer wanted to know what it meant when I told him to "get back on the horse and ride"? Don't let your fears hold you back little buddy.....you won't get far.
Someone wrote me yesterday, asking about why they can't access the younger parts of their system? Well, hmmmm, you can't rush things, and you can't make things happen that aren't ready yet. Basically: that's it. If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself to slow down and learn the skills of taking care of myself first, instead of trying to dig out the dark underbelly of abuse long forgotten.
"Just not ready yet....think of how the circulatory system works: if your body is faced with extreme cold, all blood is diverted to the core in order to keep you alive. Your psyche works the same way......if you aren't in a place to handle the information, then it won't come out. Sometimes other insiders have to come forward first, and in essence lay a foundation that prepares your mind for what is to come. Don't freak.....I'm 20 years into this dx and just connected to the first split.....you'd have thunk that "the baby who keeps crying" would have been connected with years ago. Nope, it took my psyche growing stronger, my life choices becoming healthier and a lot of bonding with the insiders before this one would come out. And hell it was.....when she finally did. BUT, we had the strength and tenderness of the unit to manage, so we realized in hindsight that all the other insiders who were "hard to reach" were just steps towards the bigger issues. Create a safe haven in your mind, and they will revel in it. Create safety outside the body, and they will feel safe. Things will come as your psyche can handle it.....Hope this helps."
And really, that's what it comes down to: learning to create a safe environment around yourself. After all, that didn't exist for most of our early years, so it's not something that's going to be recreated overnight. But, we have to become our own advocates and take care of ourselves now that we are "free" so to speak.
Found out that Seroquel is......drum roll please............$340 for a month! That's right folks, over $300, and that's at a low dosage. Poor kiddo, good thing we bought insurance. Husband "did the numbers" and discovered that we've already ran psych expenses over $10g in three months for Aramis and myself. Now, I'm the cheap one, as we've handled my meds, and T appointments without insurance before. Apparently, schizophrenia is expensive....to say the least.
And Aramis announced privately yesterday that "we need to watch out because brother will try to kill us". Okay....got your back honey, we won't let anything happen. Hmmmm, does this mean an increase in Seroquel? I think so, as the psychiatrist said he's still on a low dose, and it will have to be adjusted. Consider also that I found him two days ago huddled in the corner terrified of the unseen, then it looks like an increase is in our future.
However, he handled school beautifully, and is certainly more alert. He actually recalled how to do multiple digit addition yesterday, which was "lost" at some point. How terrifying that must be to look at a paper, not remember, and then of course, start crying out of frustration. Husband and I were discussing it last night, and sometimes it's easy to forget just how "bad" the poor little guy had it. So, let's focus on the fact that things are looking up for sure.
Makes DID seem simple, but in reality, it's not either. I found myself space out a bit yesterday with the skateboards, as I spent a lot of my youth escaping from the house to play outside....and yes, with a blue skateboard I literally was a daredevil with. The things I would do.....seemed like I had no fear. Watching my boys, especially Dante, made me realize how much time I spent on wheels......always trying to run away it seems.
That struck me: the constant feeling of needing to run away. I still have it, but fortunately husband's job moves so often that I can be satisfied to some degree. It also helps that I don't have anything dangerous to run away from anymore.....just memories, and they are from the past, not the present. But do I love to pack and move.....there's a release, a freedom of a sort that I believe can never be quenched. It's just been present for so long, that it's now a part of one of us. I know who, and the satisfaction of moving has stopped the actual running away we did so often as an adult.
The psychiatrist who runs the clinic we attend commented on my service dog the other day, and how well behaved he was. That's sweet, but I could tell he really wanted to know just what does he do? He hinted around about the subject, as it's illegal to ask outright. Well, he grounds me far more than I realized he would, but my old therapist certainly thought he would. It does help, as every time I have to move, there he is, and I'm reminded it's the year 2012. Almost like a little post-it note that hangs within sight at all times: "Notice: it's 2012 and you are grown up now." Pretty cool, the pdoc and I both commented on how more and more psychiatrist are realizing the role service animals have in providing assistance. It doesn't hurt that the dog won't let me out of his sight either, so I don't exactly get "lost" anymore.
We've noticed, and Aramis' psychiatrist has commented on it, that the dog will hover and actually lay on Aramis right before he has a psychotic break. It's really strange, how he knows, but he does. He'll just sit, follow, sit, follow, and cling to Aramis......and if that's happening, almost 90% of the time an event will occur. If he's under Aramis' chair during school time, I'll notice that Aramis will start eradicating numbers and letters again....or will say that he can't "see" his hands. Interesting.....I'm just grateful that I have a little fox-dog who warns me now.
Good lawd.....just found out that Dr. Phil doesn't believe he has ever met a "true MPD/DID" person! Hmmmm, what rock has he been under? That should be a really interesting show....I don't remember Oprah being negative towards this condition, but then, perhaps my memory fails me.
Well, that about wraps up events here in Dallas.......and it's still cold. I'm off to feed the boys lunch and start half day school.......geesh, if you tell them it's a "half day", they act like school work is nothing.....then ask for more to do. Make up your minds guys......
Have a peaceful day everyone!